I never thought I could disconnect from my relation to that /. But I did. I can feel a mental line, a meaningful, reinforced, “natural” sort of mental divider, which I don’t want to cross. But the most important thing is that I just don’t like what’s on the other side nearly as much. My mind feels so much more pure. All that dark shit, that I feel bad , it just isn’t there. My relation to / feels like its becoming a lot healthier.
Another shitty day which is made shitty because I yet again failed to abide by my sleep schedule.
“My job is to give you homework. Your job is to take it seriously and do it,” she said firmly. Mom-like.
I thought I was doing it. I really, truly, thought I was doing it. But I wasn’t.
You know what, you’re smart enough and aware enough to know that you weren’t doing it. Shut the fuck up.
Heaven awaits on one side of this problem, hell on the other.
An award winning book, tons of writing awards, abs and a huge chest, sparring matches against champions in different countries, money. A house in Bel Marin Keys.
In Hell, I’ll be getting fired from my first AMFT job, continued hair loss, abdominal weight gain, the continued absence of her, etc. The spawning of new enemies, new crushing situations.
In between, this purgatory of dissatisfaction and my spirit clawing for more.
It’s so flat and ugly. Boring, basic buildings sprout up in worn, erosive, concrete to the same feeling as Rohnert Park. It’s just a lame place. Twice the price to visit a NEW, ACTUAL place is worth it.
Daniel of the future, I fucking mean it. There’s no reason to come visit Canada… At all. Lex and Daren are not your responsibility.
The comradery is good, as are the late night adventures, but then they can come here.
It’s really exciting to have met a boxer who’s going into a fight, and to have skin in the game. A stake in the outcome.
“Getting frustrated and riled up at nighttime isn’t going to help you fall asleep, its going to hurt.”
“1 or 2 AM is not an appropriate time to think about dress shoes or leaving another post-it note.”
“Daniel, that’s a lot of caffeine.”
And I have so much more money coming. I usually come here to vent, but not today. I am just so grateful. I am utterly thankful to the divine, my angel guides, God, and the universe.
Truly.
Thank you.
Never take for granted being able to fill up your gas tank on your own, buying new top-of-the-line Asics as soon as your pair wears, being able to eat out when you want, planned vacations, etc.
Never forget the awful cringe feeling of asking grandma for gas money or a $200 check.
Sometimes I feel like a stranger to my own life.
“Betrayed and wronged in everything,
I’ll flee this bitter world where vice is king,
And seek some spot unpeopled and apart
Where I’ll be free to have an honest heart.”
― Molière, The Misanthrope
“Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation.”
― Charlotte Brontë , Villette
“What hurts so bad about youth isn’t the actual butt whippings the world delivers. It’s the stupid hopes playacting like certainties.”- Mary Karr
“I saw everything in the world build up and then everything in the world fall down again.”
― Marina Keegan