What the fuck do I do with all this fandom? With all this support? All these dreamy notions of meeting him, befriending him, facing him… him and Phil meeting at my wedding. And for what? For fucking what? For rejection? For embarrassment?

The rational mind kicks in: “Just because you are his fan doesn’t mean he has to…”

Blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up.

Ouch. It hit like a break up.

“If I could get a call back from Kell Brook’s manager versus “her,” I would choose the manager. That’s what I had been saying.

What I want to remember from this day….

I want to remember the “hookie” feeling of going boating then to the movies on a weekday afternoon with my dad and uncle.

And the mindful, conscious, laughter when he and my dad were talking about “dinging” you know who.

Ordering Nick the Greek on the ride to the movies.

“No tomatoes on the chicken gyro.”

“I’ll take your tomatoes,” my uncle said.

“Add my tomatoes to veggie gyro,” I said.

And he either did finger guns or snapped his fingers or said: “That’s right…” something like that.

Because I can’t get my hands on a Hyundai Veloster N in time for my drive tomorrow…

Nor a hot Persian grad student.

I don’t know what this will feel like. That’s in part why I’m doing it. I’m not sure how much it will lend to the story. One must assume it’d have to lend SOMETHING. If anything, its a colorful thing to mention when you publish this story or are on Joe Rogan talking about your love of writing.

WAIT. FACKING HELL. I’m gonna have to do this all again when I actually get the N, won’t I?

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than as a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.”

“I am not how you think I am. You’re how you think I am.”

“Judgement is easy. The hard part is realizing that’s where you hide.”

“For the Alchemist…the one primarily in need of redemption is not man… but, the Deity…who is lost and sleeping in matter.” ~ Carl Gustav Jung.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1613502905563997/permalink/3719003141680619/?ref=share&mibextid=NOb6eG

“To whom much is given, much will be required (Luke 12:48).”

His advice is valid and sound, but his life is so hedonistic, loveless, and low, that you either do have to always keep him at bay or eventually cut him off. For your own sake.

This isn’t judgmental. His energy is just so low. He’s actually least toxic when he’s suffering. You probably won’t be able to continue with him in the same way you couldn’t you aunt and “honorary cousin.”

But we shall see.

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. All these and other factors combined, if the circumstances are right, can teach and can lead to rebirth.”​

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.” ― John Ruskin

“Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.” ― Emily Brontë

“In the battle of egos, both competitors lose.”- Robin Sharma

“If I only had one sermon to preach, it would be against pride.”- GK Chesterton

I barely, just barely, have enough awareness to realize that without being aware of it, I’d feed this pride of mine to no end, losing friends and family as collateral along the way. All self-righteous in a castle of nothingness.

“He can reach out back to me first.”

“If she has any future with him, she’ll lose me as a brother.”

“I will cut you out of my life faster than I did our aunt.”

“This house is so dysfunctional. I am leaving the first chance I get.”

“Just bail from a threat? I hate bailing. I loathe that feeling. It makes me feel like a bitch.”

“Amar, I don’t need you.”

“I’m glad you’re gone.”

“Do whatever you want.”