The Dark Night of The Soul

RIP

Nov 1 2020-(vaguely) October 2024

It was (n’t) nice knowing you.

My spiritual journey has given me the chance to me more childlike as I was when I was an actual child, because as a child, so much of me came from fear or aspects of my dad. I wasn’t “me.” My love for marital arts, weapons, etc., came from a response to the dangers of this world. I liked all the same things he did. But think back to all the times when you felt like you were a little version of him. And things you said and did were informed by things you’d think he’d say or do.

Getting the chance to shed the ego and rediscover my actual nature, which is that of a child, gives me the chance to do it a second time around. But not with my personality and interests being a response to society. I just get to “be.” To experience joy and love and fun.

I have learned to step outside my fear of abandonment, allowing me to see it from a third person perspective. This is a breakthrough. It’s helped me insurmountably.

Its like I’m watching myself experience this fear, as if I’m watching somebody else experience something right before me.

I see a purple midst of energy in front of him (the “me” I’m observing) which is the Fear of Abandonment. And I can see examples of all the early life experiences that caused this fear, but from this same 3rd person point of view.

All of this makes me feel so empowered to decide upon and adopt a new belief.

For years I’ve wondered, is my friend AP an average person on paper, a bad person on paper, or something in between?

Then I realized, there is no paper.

There’s just my intuition. And what feels right. And what feels wrong.

One thing I’d like to note, is that when I began doing laps on the blacktop today, I had SJ “memories” coming back, or rather, the burden to think about SJ memories. Then I realized, I don’t have to carry that burden. I don’t have to “walk down memory lane.” I can be in the “now,” in 2024, where I’m an AMFT about to get hired, I’m finishing a book, I’m evolving so much spiritually, etc.

I don’t have to carry the past with me.

The less steep and serious the punishments will be for when you don’t follow intuition. Or experiment.

This girl likes you very much, values having met you, but was just hurt by something you said or did.

And all your trauma and insecurity and abandonment fear has lurched upwards for nothing.