The less steep and serious the punishments will be for when you don’t follow intuition. Or experiment.

This girl likes you very much, values having met you, but was just hurt by something you said or did.

And all your trauma and insecurity and abandonment fear has lurched upwards for nothing.

“You don’t get what you want, you get what you’re being.”

This feels typical: I deeply desire this County of Marin job, so much so that I’d say I feel “desperate” for it. And I know: “Nobody ever gets what they want while they’re desperate for it.”

“What can I do differently this time?”

ALIGN yourself with what you want. Part of the desperation is feeling the distance between who’re you’re being, and who the version of you is that gets this job. There is no desperation within that Daniel, because the money/status/security/responsibility of that position, matches the status/security/responsibility of who he is.

• In bed by 1:30 at the latest

• Up by 9:30 at the latest

• Consistent and EVERY night

• Run through one chapter edited every three days

• Write that short story, prepare for the next. You are launching a second career, here.

• Workout much more (build those deltoids)

• Keep mildly dieting

CP wasn’t meant to be, because it was matched with the Daniel you’re evolving out of. As was BWC. You are meant for more.

This is the path to who you want to be to attract what you want.

I read that The Matrix was being shown at select theaters to celebrate its 25 Anniversary. I wanted to go. Then I saw that the only theater it was being shown at was Northgate (which I’m afraid of), and at night time. They turn off the mall’s lights at nighttime.

I woke up the day before, thinking about being at the mall at night time.

I chose to go, but really had to mentally prepare myself.

On the drive there, I told myself:

“It’s just a shopping mall. You’re just going to see a movie, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“Darkness is nothing to be afraid of. There’s enough light within me.”

“I like that,” my therapist told me the next morning. “There’s enough light inside me,” she repeated.

“I really, really, like that.”

It wasn’t that scary. And the movie was great.

Guess who just received his therapy license!!!

“In the midst of happiness or despair
in sorrow or in joy
in pleasure or in pain:
Do what is right and you will be at peace.
In life there is no greater gift than peace,
except love.
May you always have love.”

― Jess Rothenberg, The Catastrophic History of You and Me

Today as I drove past Sausalito and toward Tiburon on my way back from USF, I glanced at Mt. Tam. And I knew Lex, Tyson, and I, were on that exact time one year ago.

We may as well as scaled Mt. Kilimanjaro. It was our Mt. Kilimanjaro. And I could see up there, into the past as if it were running simultaneously to the present.

The three of us were on the highest peak in the North Bay. They had just jumped out of an airplane. Lex was conquering his fear of heights, yet again, on the steep rock inclines and dirt paths and rickety wood bridges to the top.

Marketa messaged into the chat with Jackie and I about getting fired today from Center Point. None of that mattered from the top of our world.

I was impatient with them as they smoked their blunts.

We were soused in accomplishment, comradery, and an experience that could never possibly happen again.

Today in traffic, I saw the three of us on top of Mt. Tam. And we were happy.

“This is bringing back so many memories of playing this game with Kunal,” I said in pain, as the thumbnails of each map appeared.

“Duuuudeee. I miss that kid.” He went on to tell me how he just bought the new “Age of Mythology” game, and wanted to message Kunal to play it with him, but realized he couldn’t. 

“He’s part of the reason I am taking this job. I think he would tell me to.”

“Really?” Max asked. 

“Yeah. 85K? He’d tell me to take the job!”

Think about what Dante would do for 85K a year.

Imagine his dual shift Papa Johns/Pizza Hut days.

Imagine yourself as being an inspiration to Lex and Daren.

“It was my letting go that gave me a better hold.”

― Chris Matakas

I love you, but you’re not here and you clearly don’t want to be a part of my life right now. I have grown and evolved so much.

I have a much healthier bedtime now. I meditate every morning and afternoon (as of two days ago), making my mind so much more still and my thoughts more positive and confident.

I’m being wooed by many different clinics.

The quality of writing has been terrific.

I have a new friend in Sheila.

I’m showing up to my life more and more. I’m here for me.

The calmness of my mind has revealed to me how weak, obsessive, and anxious my thoughts about you are. I acknowledge that we will always have a deep connection, and my thoughts may, at times, naturally gravitate to you. But what I’m realizing is that where I was wrong before: Just because there’s that natural gravitation, doesn’t mean I must plan or hope or expect for you to return. Nor do I have to think about you so much. There’s tremendous room for me to machete through all these obsessive, painful, desperate thoughts. And I plan to.

By mindfully meditating twice a day (the CALM meditation on YouTube), redirecting thoughts from you, and planning for ANY happy and loving marriage in my life. Regardless of whether it’s with you or somebody else.

I’m taking my power back.

I will not be feeding you as much focus and anxiety through the collective unconscious. I hope this benefits us both.

I have a life to live. And its very exciting right now.

Take care A. K. M.

Respectfully,
Daniel