Today I went researching new cars with my dad. The Acura Integra was much more striking in person than I had imagined. The finish of the interior was top notch. The knobs felt like expensive metals, the screen was vivid, the seat was snug in a sporty way, it just felt special to be in.

The Challenger felt crude in comparison. The interior has a dark, cool club-like atmosphere. When the salesman brought me the key, I knew to turn it on merely to hear the V8. Foot down on the brake, index finger on the ignition button. The rumble of the giant juvenile engine was felt in the chassis. Dad and I laughed.

The BMW place certainly has an “attitude,” the same one my grandma reports experiencing there in the late 90s. The salesman had strong “Marin Joe’s waiter” type vibe.

“My son just accepted a high paying job offer.”

When I told him my price range, dad says his face lit up.

When he followed the east coast douche into the used lot, I told my dad:

“The silver lining is that I can actually afford all these cars. It’s my choice what I want to drive.”

Receiving and accepting such a large job offer makes me feel so mature, empowered, respected, an important. I feel “executive,” whatever I may mean by that.

The Dark Night of The Soul

RIP

Nov 1 2020-(vaguely) October 2024

It was (n’t) nice knowing you.

My spiritual journey has given me the chance to me more childlike as I was when I was an actual child, because as a child, so much of me came from fear or aspects of my dad. I wasn’t “me.” My love for marital arts, weapons, etc., came from a response to the dangers of this world. I liked all the same things he did. But think back to all the times when you felt like you were a little version of him. And things you said and did were informed by things you’d think he’d say or do.

Getting the chance to shed the ego and rediscover my actual nature, which is that of a child, gives me the chance to do it a second time around. But not with my personality and interests being a response to society. I just get to “be.” To experience joy and love and fun.

I have learned to step outside my fear of abandonment, allowing me to see it from a third person perspective. This is a breakthrough. It’s helped me insurmountably.

Its like I’m watching myself experience this fear, as if I’m watching somebody else experience something right before me.

I see a purple midst of energy in front of him (the “me” I’m observing) which is the Fear of Abandonment. And I can see examples of all the early life experiences that caused this fear, but from this same 3rd person point of view.

All of this makes me feel so empowered to decide upon and adopt a new belief.

For years I’ve wondered, is my friend AP an average person on paper, a bad person on paper, or something in between?

Then I realized, there is no paper.

There’s just my intuition. And what feels right. And what feels wrong.

One thing I’d like to note, is that when I began doing laps on the blacktop today, I had SJ “memories” coming back, or rather, the burden to think about SJ memories. Then I realized, I don’t have to carry that burden. I don’t have to “walk down memory lane.” I can be in the “now,” in 2024, where I’m an AMFT about to get hired, I’m finishing a book, I’m evolving so much spiritually, etc.

I don’t have to carry the past with me.