“To whom much is given, much will be required (Luke 12:48).”

His advice is valid and sound, but his life is so hedonistic, loveless, and low, that you either do have to always keep him at bay or eventually cut him off. For your own sake.

This isn’t judgmental. His energy is just so low. He’s actually least toxic when he’s suffering. You probably won’t be able to continue with him in the same way you couldn’t you aunt and “honorary cousin.”

But we shall see.

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable. All these and other factors combined, if the circumstances are right, can teach and can lead to rebirth.”​

— Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.” ― John Ruskin

“Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.” ― Emily Brontë

“In the battle of egos, both competitors lose.”- Robin Sharma

“If I only had one sermon to preach, it would be against pride.”- GK Chesterton

I barely, just barely, have enough awareness to realize that without being aware of it, I’d feed this pride of mine to no end, losing friends and family as collateral along the way. All self-righteous in a castle of nothingness.

“He can reach out back to me first.”

“If she has any future with him, she’ll lose me as a brother.”

“I will cut you out of my life faster than I did our aunt.”

“This house is so dysfunctional. I am leaving the first chance I get.”

“Just bail from a threat? I hate bailing. I loathe that feeling. It makes me feel like a bitch.”

“Amar, I don’t need you.”

“I’m glad you’re gone.”

“Do whatever you want.”

It hit me on the R bridge this morning on my way to the WC.

Not just for B, but D and especially A.

It isn’t about what they’ve each done, respectively. It’s about my feelings towards them, justified or not, snowballing into something so much larger than them and taking on its own life.

And what its snowballed into attracts more of the same. It brings in evil. It messes up special and important things.

It brings humbling.

It delays the future I want.

“As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; They kill us for their sport.”

“Honorary cousin,” Yeah fucking right…

Lessons learned from a mentally ill man, in a prolonged manic episode, with multiple addictions, beating the P4P King with 4 knockdowns….

Nothing is set in stone.

I absolutely will become a millionaire off of my book.

My life will become a party.

Tons of champions will be on the cover of my book.

I’ll have a huge gorgeous house.

I’m going to get my Hyundai Veloster N… with fat racing tires.

I’m going to be such a successful writer, that me going off to write for the day is encouraged by everyone in my life.

There are so many more.